The document as a whole was correct but had some errors along the way as well as some paragraph organization errors. Some things I decided to delete were things I found redundant and information that wasn’t important enough to add such as: “The Study Abroad Center is virtually for everyone”.  I changed the thesis statement and made it more specific and easier to understand. The new thesis statement is: “While study abroad is expensive, the study abroad offers many programs for students regardless of their ability to pay because the programs connect with ISU’s mission statement in gaining knowledge further than Iowa, the study abroad program is a great way to gain cultural knowledge, and the study abroad offers financial aid if you apply, as well as paying the same or less than current tuition costs.”

Although long, I feel as though it has all of the components I’ll talk about in my essay. I also changed the paragraphs around. I didn’t change the overall concept of the essay and didn’t delete much either, instead, I built upon it. The re-organization of paragraphs helped the reader flow through the reading instead of it feeling chopped and complicated to read.

I added in the last paragraph about the importance of the mission statement: “The Land Grant Mission of Iowa State University relates unequivocally to the Study Abroad Centers’ because both their end points are to make the world an educated one for the people. The Land Grant Mission also foments serving not only the people of Iowa but the nation and the world as well as the Study Abroad Center”. In addition, I deleted information that I quoted from the Study Abroad website because it was too much and often repeated.